Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Mothers Day of Peace

Ma, Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mother
Some of the most important words, however it sounds in any language in this world.
It isn't about being perfect.  I make mistakes. Some before they were even a twinkle in our eyes. Some this morning.
I have regrets, it's the hardest part.  Not just regrets about what has happened, but about what could have happened, looking back at any given moment. I would still have regrets if I had handled that same situation in another way.  I hold myself to impossible standards, because nothing has ever felt more important than this job.  The stakes feel very high, from the smallest decisions to the biggest ones, I can imagine how it may have a massive impact, positive or negative and there are no guarantees either way.    It might be alright, and it might not be alright, always.
There aren't words to accurately describe what makes all the worry, all the fear, all the stress, all the pain, all the self doubt, all the insecurity, worth it a million times over.  Our language is just inadequate.
When I first heard my child coo, gurgle, laugh, giggle, speak and sing; when I hear them now telling me about their day or singing their favorites songs,  it's a feeling that, to me, means that we are connected on a soul level.  It fills my heart.  It's a frequency that speaks directly to my heart and soul.  
When we are all together, I feel safe.  When any of us is separated, I feel insecure. When my children were babies, toddlers and young children, nothing made me feel contented like our family bed did.  We were all in a nest, all warm, all protected, all together.  Now, they are teenagers.  I feel insecure all the time.  It's really hard.  I'm off-blanace.  She's on the bus, he's here.  He's at school and she's driving to work.  I'm still here, trying to keep my mind occupied on flowers and weeds and e-mails and work and the business of living.  There are many other women who understand, I know.  It does help to have my village of women who understand, but they too are off balance, trying to find it in other things.
It was such a short time, that time when I felt truly comforted. 
I find comfort now in the text messages that tell me they arrived safely at the destination, the phone calls and the sound my gate makes when they swing it open.  I find comfort in the headlights aimed in just a way that tells me she is pulling up in front of our house.  I also find comfort in knowing that this family, a soul pod, we love each other.  No matter what happens, if things are alright or not, there is a connection between us that cannot be broken.  
For Mothers Day all I want is to be together, so I can feel at peace.  Sometimes it will happen, and sometimes it won't, but what I desire most is my nest.

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